Celebrating Catholic Weddings, Part 1

The Catholic Wedding

     Catholic wedding. Just those two words are enough to make the skin of any liturgical minister crawl with stress. Why? For one, the words “Catholic wedding liturgy” are oftentimes an oxymoron.
     We are well into wedding season already. And let’s face it, the vast majority of couples who come to the Church to marry do not have a life in the Church. Some have not been to Mass since their Confirmation. Most are occasional attendees at best. And many, even those who do regularly attend Mass, come with unrealistic expectations of the Church and the liturgy, which creates a tension from the very beginning. Sometimes it is those who are known to the parish who come with the most outrageous requests, believing that their familiarity in the parish entitles them to certain exceptions. All of this can turn a joyful experience into one fraught with stress, both for the couple and for the Church.
     Let’s take a look at some of the aspects of the wedding liturgy and how it can be celebrated in a life-giving manner. In my years of pastoral experience, I have yet to see any liturgy committee (more on liturgy committees in a later post) take up the manner of how weddings are celebrated in their parish. It is also rare that the parish clergy will get together and decide on what I call a “house style” of celebrating these liturgies (let alone Sunday liturgies). At the very mention to a liturgy committee, I have heard (usually the older women) state that “It’s the bride’s day, she should have whatever she wants.”. Arrrggghhhh!
     Every sacrament is a celebration for the whole Church, though there may be private moments, such as during the celebration of Reconciliation. Weddings are public celebrations for the Church. As such, they need to be celebrated within the liturgical norms of the Church. If we gathered all the pastoral ministers in the Church in one place to trade stories, there would be a multitude of wedding “horror stories” shared among us. But let’s not focus on the negatives. There are also many weddings that are very beautiful, prayerful and Christ-centered. This post is geared toward bringing all weddings to that level.

Sunday Mass and the Wedding Liturgy

     Believe it or not, the proper time to celebrate a wedding is during Sunday Mass. What?? And have all those strangers there, not to mention how they would be dressed? What kind of a wedding would that be? First, as disciples of Christ, as members of his Body, we are not strangers, we are brothers and sisters in the Lord. This scenario, however, represents an ideal that does not yet represent reality in our culture, though in some parts of the world it is not unusual to have several couples marry in the same Sunday liturgy!
     Having said all that, let’s remember that the Sunday Eucharist is the center and summit of the Christian life. All that we do during the week we bring to that celebration, and all that we receive from that celebration we take with us into our weekly lives. It is the Sunday Eucharist that also shapes the way in which we celebrate all the sacraments. So, weddings should be modeled on the manner in which Sunday Eucharist is celebrated. For the sake of clarity, I will treat the liturgy in chronological, rather than hierarchical, order. But first . . .

Eucharist or Ceremony?

     The sacraments are celebrated in their normative fashion during the Eucharist. But are couples really looking to celebrate the Eucharist for their wedding? Like I said above, most couples don’t come to the Church for Sunday Eucharist, so why would they want their wedding celebrated in the context of Eucharist? For some, it’s because of family expectation, or for others they think it would be nice. Still others are sincerely wishing to make Eucharist part of their marriage, be it not necessarily on good soil. The choice is up to the couple in consultation with their parish priest, deacon or lay minister. It might make more sense to have most weddings celebrated in a Liturgy of the Word. Let’s be realistic: How many times are crickets heard when the presider says, “The Lord be with you.”, and the congregation doesn’t seem to “wake up” until the very end when the presider introduces the couple and the guests start applauding, screaming and howling. (I find that irreverent, but that’s me.) If anything, a ceremony within a Liturgy of the Word lessens the amount of awkward time spent in the sanctuary.

Dress

     Can we talk? I know it’s the 21st century and fashion is not what it was even 20 years ago, but for heaven’s sake, can we at least have some rule that bridal gowns be appropriate for church? As fashionable as they may seem nowadays, strapless gowns are simply not reverent and can make even the presider feel uncomfortable. At least in the church, shawls should be worn to preserve modesty and reverence.

Fashionably Late?

     Put succinctly, fashionably late is fashionably rude. Couples do not rent the church for the day, nor do they hire the pastoral staff for the day. Here is what I tell couples: It takes 10 to 15 minutes from the time the bride arrives at the church to the start of the wedding. Your wedding is at 1pm? You must arrive no later than 12:45 to start on time. And unless you are related to your limo driver, don’t listen to him when he tells you you should pull up at 1:05! Did you ever notice that couples seem to find more credibility in photographers and limo drivers than the Church when it comes to weddings?

The Introductory Rites

     It is here that the couple (the bride in particular) focuses the most attention, although liturgically this is a minor rite. We start with the procession. Actually, we start before the procession, because there are certain things that have become traditional in the Catholic wedding preparation. Will there be music played beforehand? If so, what type(s)? How long before the wedding will it start? Let’s start with type of music. Before, during, after, all music for the liturgy should be sacred music. We are here to celebrate a sacrament, not a romantic rendezvous. That is not meant to sound cold, for in fact it is romance that led to this day. Having said that, there is a place for romantic love songs during that day, but the liturgy is not meant for it. What about beforehand? Well, beforehand we are preparing ourselves for the celebration of the liturgy, be it Eucharist or ceremony, so again, sacred pieces should be the norm, without love songs or Broadway songs, etc. Those are best kept for the reception. Hey, what would happen if someone suggested dancing the first dance at the reception to Holy God, We Praise Thy Name? Well, it would be out of place, among other things. Exactly!

     With regard to the procession, Sunday Eucharist seems to be ignored. On Sunday we have the cross, followed by the Book of the Gospels, followed by the presider. This should also be the norm for weddings, and also gives an opportunity for more family involvement. A family member carries the cross in procession, another the Book of the Gospels, and the presider follows. Behind him, the entire bridal party, including the groom. Most people don’t realize this, but the ideal is for bride and groom to come down the aisle together. I have seen it happen more than once. The difference: Bride and groom come down the aisle beaming on each other’s arm, instead of looking scared. Now, the reality is that most brides wish to be accompanied by their fathers, so let’s not take that away from them. But here is something to consider: All couples in the wedding party, paired together for the day, should process as couples. The groom should not be hiding before the wedding and the groomsmen should not slip down the side aisle before the wedding begins, having the fashion show of the bridesmaids (to me it looks like cars popping out at the end of a carwash). We no longer have a bridal procession in a village of the bride’s father processing his daughter, i.e. his property, to her groom, to become the groom’s property, for which he paid a dowery to the father. In the “traditional” setup, both mothers are honored by being escorted and seated before the start of the procession. The bride’s father escorts her. Who’s left out? The groom’s father, who is neither honored nor even recognized. So, behind the presider let the couples process as couples, followed by the groom escorted by his parents (all depending on family situation). This could be reversed as well, with the groom and his parents following the presider. Then, lastly, the bride escorted by both her parents. Thus, these two families of origin (brides and grooms don’t come out of nowhere) bring their children to the altar to start a new family.

     What is happening musically during this time? Ideally, a song sung by all, just as on Sunday, but that is not practical, as everyone is watching the procession. Therefore, processional-type music, followed by a gathering song or hymn works very nicely, as long as the assembly have good worship aids (not those cast lists provided by local printers).

Lights, Camera . . .

     Weddings are a lot of work if you wish to do them correctly. In one parish where I served we decided to make our weddings more Christ- and prayer-centered than bride-centered. This took great effort. Did we lose some weddings? Absolutely, but we likely lost those that would prove to be problematic, and the ones we kept turned out to be mostly wonderful. One of the things we did in this regard was to require that there be no picture taking during the liturgy. We did adjust this to allow folks to snap a photo during the procession, but not after that. There are hired photographers and videographers, and that was enough. Few folks gave us a problem, and there were far less distractions. In order to celebrate in a prayerful manner, those distractions must be kept to a minimum, if not eliminated altogether. And as long as everything started relatively on time, and the church was available, folks were welcome to stay as long as they like and take pictures afterward.

Next up . . . The Liturgy of the Word